In an attempt to lighten my mood I have more Ancient Kat Litter for you. This was originally meant to make fun of the misuse of the intransitive verb “grow” to mean “enlarge”, so in honor of the spate of Twitter spam this week I give you:
I Hear They Grow On Trees
originally posted: August 21, 2003
I’m not quite sure why, but a lot of people out in Electronica Land seem to think I need to grow a penis. And the biggest possible penis, at that. A veritable State-Fair-Blue-Ribbon-Winning Penis. Is this like Sea Monkeys? Will I be able to "watch them grow and marvel at their skills?" I receive a great deal of informative e-mail and, although my helpful correspondents did not say so, I suspect that I can grow one of these amazing, life-changing things in a pot on the foredeck. Or I hope so.
In order to grow my penis, I first need to determine how much space it will need. I know it’s always a bad idea to take on a pet or a plant which has excessive space-demands. It might become pot-bound and lethargic, developing all sorts of degenerate habits and diseases. I have been reading up carefully to determine the needs of the average penis. Preliminary reports from the Internet indicate that healthy penises grow to be about twelve to eighteen inches and as big around as a cucumber. With this information in hand, I extrapolate that my super-sized penis will grow to be a yard long, with the girth of a two-liter soda bottle.
Apparently, the best penises have two rootballs which, if carefully unrolled, would be about six feet long–or something like that; I got a little distracted at this point in my reading, but I’m sure there was something in there about six-footers and roots. But, regardless, I expect that my penis will develop twin rootballs about two feet in diameter, each. So, a planter six feet wide, three feet high and three feet deep should suffice. If I cannot find a packing crate, I’m sure a coffin or a bathtub will do.
Once I have my planter and my potting soil, I must nourish my prize-winner-to-be with fresh water and various growth diets. Occasionally, it may need the assistance of a vacuum pump to become long and plump. Too much of this, however, and my penis may become limp and unmanageable. But, all will not be lost: I have only to feed my penis a special preparation called Viagra–which I suspect is just Vigro plant food with a few extra vitamins and minerals added–to remain rock hard and upright, creating a dynamic and attractive display.
Once I have grown my extra-large and super-hard penis, it will, without doubt, be hailed by all as the most amazing sight in all of agriculture. I shall take it on tour. I expect it to be so large that it will need its own bus and entourage and will only be booked into the largest halls. It will have its own fan club and the tale of the penis’ rise from a small pot to major star will air on cable TV in prime-time. Life will be grand.
So, you see, I’m all ready to grow my own penis. Except for one thing: none of my helpful correspondents has offered me a cutting and I cannot find "Penis" listed in the seed catalog. No one has offered any assistance in acquiring a start on one. As penises seem to have an affinity for beer, I suspect that they grow from rhizomes, like hops. I’m quite excited about the prospect of growing my penis and find this setback of silence frustrating.
Won’t someone, please, send me a penis? I promise to take good care of it…..