Well… It wasn’t an entirely wasted evening: we got to have a good time making fun of the movie afterward.
G.I. Joe is shiny, but it starts out with the intelligence and verve of a mildly athletic eight-year-old and gets dumber as it goes along until it’s pretty well drooling and spewing on itself on the logic and story front by the time it reaches the Big Ending. Pretty, yes, but I suspect the script was written by the folks at Hasbro who failed at the design of Pokemon cards. The cameo appearances of half the male cast from The Mummy couldn’t even save this clunker. And the "sidekick" really shouldn’t be that frickin’ incompetent. And, if the girl is your best shooter, why is she sitting on the sidelines being knocked off motorcycles instead of shooting things like… say… the slowest RPG in the known universe at it "speeds" toward the Eiffel tower to deliver its load of metal-eating "nanomites"? When did a particle accelerator become the size of a glass mini-keg and what the F are those levitating "particle beams" doing to that green nuclear fish…?
Ice floats, stupid!
And no matter how you try, there is no place to "hide" a nuke sub half the length of Manhattan and its full complement of "shark" mini subs in clear polar water while you have your face off with the bad guy just so you can reply to "you and what army?" with "My army!" as the sub heaves into view at your back.
Although Arnold Vosloo whistling "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" was amusing.
Oi… I need chocolate….